I have come to the conclusion that very few people really understand me or get why I act the way I do.I have a long rambling story for anyone who may want to read it. it is very personal and painful, but i think it's time I write it all down for the world to see.
I will make no apologies for anything I write about here.
my life has been a pretty complicated one. I have had things happen in my life that no one should ever have to suffer through. However, on the other side of the token, I have had some of life's true miracles touch me, and I can not even begin to discribe how grateful I am to have had those experiences.
I tried to grow up way too fast. I think it was just me wanting to get away from my parents and be out on my own.I was young and naieve,I trusted EVERYONE (which is pretty dumb in itself) and generally thought the world was full of decent people.
by the time I was 16, I was engaged to be married and trying to settle down with my soon-to-be first husband. this was the turning point in my life. I truly loved that man. I gave myself to him heart and soul... and he cheated on me constantly. I thought that mabye it was something wrong with me... perhaps i was too fat.(mind you i am 5'7" and weighed 140 at the time.) I began to cut back on what i ate.. at one point all i was eating was a half on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich a day. but he kept cheating. over and over and over. he also said hurtful things.I was referred to as a "fixer- upper" like i wasnt good enough for him the way i was.i wasn't allowed to go out or see my friends (even though he still did.) don't ask me why i put up with it, because for the life of me i couldn't tell you.I just wanted it to work out so bad...after two years of this, I tried the "give him a taste of his own medicine" trick. no... that just made it worse.we got married. we had a son. it never stopped. so shortly after our first anniversary, I decided that I just didn't want to live that way any more. I met a man shortly after that point. he adored me, he treated me with respect and dignity.and I fell in love. the only problem was that we were both married.I hid the relationship with this man for awhile, I wanted to move out and divorce my husband in a civil manner. but a cheater can always see a cheater I suppose. things got ugly, things got violent,and i ended up in a shelter for battered women with a broken rib. to this day the douchebag denies shoving me down on the couch and pushing me into the stair railing.the pictures taken at the shelter of the briuses and scrapes proved otherwise.he also gave me an STD. the only time in my life i ever got one, and it came from my husband.what a douche. I tried to share custody of my son, after all, none of this was his fault. but him and his family of sociopathic nutjobs (who should all be euthinized in my opinion) decided to play the "you can't see your son" game. since we were still legally married, I couldnt do a damned thing about it. I didnt have a car, so I couldnt go get him as often as i wanted to. to their merit, when i went to stay with my parents in arizona to get my head straight, they let me take him with me. i tried to scrape together a meager life for myself there but I was miserable. if it wasnt for the phone calls from the married man in new mexico I will call him "D", I would have lost my mind. "D" called me at work one night and offered to drive to AZ and bring me back to new mexico. I loved him so much that I took him up on the offer. I dropped off my son with the exes family, since they hadnt seen him in awhile, and moved into the room that "D" had set up for me to rent. it appeared to me that he wanted to continue seeing each other. since i was technically single, i was excited about the prospect of a new relationship. that day didnt come. he ended our relationship within a week of me being back. he loved me one day, broke up with me another. I was devestated. i was torn between two men that did nothing but play with my emotions. my ex kept trying to make up with me, then getting bored and cheating again, so it was on again off again with him (dont ask me why i ever even gave him a chance.) "D" was someone i really wanted to be with. and he kept me dangling from a string for three years. he did the on again off again thing too.I refused to start a relatinship with anyone else in that time hoping that one of those two would make up their minds.eventually, I gave up all hope and attempted to poison myself. I spent a week in a psychiatric ward, and did alot of soul searching. I decided at that point that I would never be able to rely on anyone but myself. the people I had put so much faith and hope in had failed me miserably.so i plunged headfirst into work. I began building my life in a way that no one could ever take away from me or destroy for me. I bought a car in my own name. I rented a trailer that no one would live in but me.I didnt have much. but what i had was MINE. I began taking some self defense courses and studying psycology. ( it was on the job training mostly) I was building a strong foundation. but with stress, sometimes comes bad habits. on top of my two packs of cigarettes daily, i began doing large amounts on methamphetamines.(stupid, yes, i know.) I had met a guy that was a bit odd, but gave me tons of the stuff for free. I lost so much weight that my eyes were sinking in and my bones were sticking out.but I thought i was totally in control. I was a trainwreck waiting to happen.I would only sleep an hour or two every few days. I couldnt eat at all. and i was losing my grip on reality. thankfully when the guy moved,I didnt know where else to get that shit and stopped.my ex was still playing the "you cant see your son" game. so I gave him one last chance.i walked away from all the progress i had made and tried one last time. i never felt so empty in all of my life. granted, I had my boy,who i love dearly,but the constant putdowns and criticism and snide remarks were crushing my spirit.but deep down i knew that if i wasnt happy, i could never make my son happy either. when my ex came to me and admitted an affair he had had while he was in Arizona that weekend, and cried those big crocodile tears that only a shallow person like him can, I wanted out for good. unfortunately, my son ended up staying with his dad. I wish i had been smarter and stronger and taken him with me. but i wasnt. if there is one regret in my life i deal with it was making that stupid decision to let my boy stay there.but that is my penance for being so naeive and trusting anyone else. and I will have to live with that regret for the rest of my life now. my son is nearly a grown man now.I don't know if he will ever understand any of the things that happened, or if he will ever be told the truth by anyone. I just hope he can forgive me for not being stronger when he needed me the most.
I did something I am not proud off to get out of that relationship.I took off with the first man that could give me a place to stay."J" was a bizarre man. he was quirky and kind or rude, but once you got past the rough exterior, he was a kind person.I still care for him, but he just wasnt what i was looking for long term.I got pregnant. not intentionally, but It was like a wake up call. I tried to settle down with "J" but i always felt empty inside. I gave birth to a perfect baby girl. "J" had asked me to marry him. and since i had recently gotten a divorce, I said O.K. I still arent sure why.I think i just felt like since we had this baby we had to.so we did.thats when he got weird. he changed after we were married. he didnt want me to work, that caused arguments, and then he finally echoed what i was feeling. "I just dont know if youre right for me"I moved out.i took the baby, fuck knows i learned not to leave without my children. I offered him visitation, but he didnt seem to interested. I left it up to him to arrange his visits with his daughter, and moved on with my life. I still to this day wish him the best. I just knew it would never get better. I was working as a waitress when I met Robert.we both intended our relationship to be just a physical thing since i was fresh out of a bad marriage and he was fresh out of a relationship. neither of us was looking for commitment. he was 17, I was 23. what are the odds of a relationship like that accually working out, right?well, it did. we took it one day at a time, mostly just hanging out the first year. we were "just friends" for a long time.after a year, he started introducing me as his girlfriend. I didn't argue. Dating your best friend is accually pretty cool.I fell into love so hard and so fast that it was unreal. and this was different. it was undeniably perfect love.i didnt want anyone or anything but him. we had alot of fun.we did alot of partying. and unfortunately developed nasty meth and cocaine habits, and nearly destroyed our relationship before it even began. I think it was mostly our emotional issues fueling our need to use. neither of us were right emotionally due to ghosts of our pasts haunting our minds.we thought the self medication was helping. there were very few problems in our relationship other than the drugs. he wanted to move back to texas, and i went with. that's when disaster struck.I had to detox from a bad cocaine habit. anyone that knows what it feels like to kick an addiction like that knows what it does to your brain.I was in the deepest darkest place i had ever been in my life. every day i woke up i wished i hadnt. I wanted to die.I wouldnt get out of bed. I wouldnt eat. I spent hours in the bathtub trying to wash away that dirty feeling, but couldnt. I became so depressed and suicidal that Rob sent me away for my own safety. nothing in the world is worse than being sent off by the only person who ever accepted you for exactally who you are and loved you for your every quirk and flaw.nothing except having to move in with your parents as an adult. which i did.I remember the moment vividly. i was boarding the plane with my daughter watching the person that completed my very soul walk away hanging his head and fighting back tears.i began to cry, and started to leave the line and go after him, and my two year old daughter put her little hands on either side of my face and make me look at her, saying nothing.(i dont know how she knew what was going on, but she was right)I realized that i needed to snap out of it. I needed to get my life straight.no man(remember i said this before)will ever be able to take care of me and make me a responsible person.I had to do it and I had to do it for her.I had failed my son, I couldnt make that mistake twice. I was in arizona again for four months.i got healthy.I put on about ten pounds or so. I got a job and saved a lump of cash. and I talked to Robert EVERY DAY on the phone. I wrote him letters. we drew pictures and sent them. LOL. Rob rode a greyhound bus for 3 days just to see us.i knew then that we would always be together. he even still was taking care of my cat squeak and holding on to my posessions. I think he knew it too. so i hopped on another plane and moved back to Albuquerque. my friend of forever, Dave needed help with his rent, and we needed a place to go. perfect setup. except one thing. there were alot of drugs there, and yep. I started back on meth. but I did avoid cocaine. I never went back to that shit.i knew it would be the death of me. after a month, Dave and I got a 2 bedroom apartment, and Rob drove down, brought Mr. Squeak home, and moved in.everything was great, untill I realized that he had never stopped taking meth the whole time he was in texas.but by then, i was doing it again too, so it wasnt worth the fight.two years later we were still getting high.alot.but every time I would hit off of the glass pipe I would vomit. It had happened. I was pregnant. ok. here i am pregnant. I couldnt bear the idea of poisoning my baby. i stopped smoking, drinking and meth all cold turkey. I was a nervous wreck.but i stuck with it. Rob didnt want to stop using. so he did what all addicts do when faced with quitting. he lashed out, and tried to sabotage our relationship by any and all means that he could. so i stayed with a friend for awhile untill he could get his head straight. he said he wanted to make it work so we tried. I kept finding his baggies and pipes. I knew he was doing it and lying about it. he would say stupid shit like "it's not mine" but i knew better. after all an addict cant fool an addict.I had a baby boy.he was perfect.Rob was a beaming new daddy. he changed that day. but he still struggled with his addiction.3 months later i got pregnant again. I cried for a week.I was not ready for any more kids. especially when his daddy couldnt stop using.it was so hard going through my first pregnancy with rob and his addiction that i didnt know if i could do it.but i am a firm beleiver that everything happens for a reason. so 9 months later i had another baby boy.i got my tubes tied IMMEDIATELY! LOL. even after the birth of our second baby, I was still finding baggies of Meth in our house. I never used again, but aparently rob still was.so i told him that he had to either go to rehab or we would leave. I made it clear that he couldnt be a father AND an addict.Rob started Rehab and completed the program. neither of us has used since.life has been better for us both since. even when we found out that both of our boys are deaf (not due to any drug use during pregnancy, I assure you) we could roll with it. things are just better now. and I have the most wonderful person in the world back. i never thought i would see the man i fell in love with again. but miracles do happen.I have the sweetest funniest and sexiest man on the planet. and he loves me as much as i love him.(and he he never complained when i got fat!)Rob is a good man, and I really feel like i deserve him after all of the shitheads i had been through. but I feel sorry for him too.he has to put up with me.
I am not an easy woman to live with, or tollerate at times for that matter. mostly due to all of the things I have been though.I have hardened up alot. I refuse to let people push me around or walk all over me anymore, and I get agressive when anyone tries. If i feel like i am being disrespected in any way, i go on the offensive. I have a zero tollerance for liars and manipulators. and no one i mean no one EVER betrays my trust and dosent pay for it.I have come a long way since i was that stupid 16 year old that let her life be flipped upside down and dragged through the mud. it may be for the better, it may be for the worse, but it is what makes me who i am. and I accept what I have become.
I have made alot of mistakes. but I have also seen the messages that life has put in front of me. I don't turn a blind eye to anything anymore. life is too precious to waste letting someone else (or even yourself) hurt you.I wasted 15 years being miserable before i could see the sunrise for what it is.
I hope this blog can help someone out there that may be struggling with their own life right now. enjoy your every breath and blessing.because each one is a treasure given to you and you alone.

so this is my blog.

welcome to my blog. if you are brave or fool hardy enough to venture here, please heed this warning..

now that we have that out of the way, here you will find the rantings of the scourge of many a circus midget's underwear drawer. I am an avid bathroom stall reader, and a have a degree in intellectual degredation.

so sit back, grab a fish taco, and enjoy your stay!